


To be different.

by elveriamoir



Category: The Hobbit
Genre: Asexual, Other, Sexuality, demisexual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-28
Updated: 2016-01-29
Packaged: 2018-05-16 22:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,494
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5843377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elveriamoir/pseuds/elveriamoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Works using the characters of the hobbit as a base to explore different sexualities. </p><p>I do not own the characters I am using to portray the feelings, they all belong to Tolkien.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To be different - Asexual.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FanFiction_Queen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanFiction_Queen/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’ve based this on Kili’s character in the films simply because I felt he fit the mould of what I was trying to write better than the more brash characters. There is a depth to him that isn't explored.

To be different - Asexual.

There was always something there, something that made him stand out like a peacock butterfly in a field of poppies. Something that drew others to him like a moth to a flame. He didn’t know what that something was, nor did he care to find out. He was happiest with the close group of friends he had created over the years. Felt safer there as they knew all his foibles and strange habits. Felt loved and unjudged.

It was with these strangers that he felt odd, uneasy and often afraid, judged. He would often act in a way that made him uncomfortable in his own skin just so they wouldn’t look at him with those cold eyes. He’d voice opinions that weren’t his own, having learnt long ago that they would prevent the cutting comments and name calling.

Among his friends he wasn’t afraid to admit he didn’t have the urge to bed someone. He didn’t have to hide his lack of sexual desires. They admired that he could see the beauty in someone without finding them hot. They loved him for his story telling and the pictures he could create with his words. He took joy in the hugs he received from them, or a warm hand stroking through his dark curls.

Around strangers he was forever on edge, dodging advances with a practiced grace that never once told he simply wasn’t interested in bed sports. He skilful move away from an unwelcome grasp or turn his head so his cheek received a kiss.

He had learnt long ago that the world just couldn’t wrap its head around different. That they could never accept that someone with his looks, grace and poise was not a sexual being. They would never understand that beauty could be found in every person, without the need of wanting sexual contact with them.

He found that at times he pitied them. He pitied that most would never discover the joy of being hugged without it having to lead anywhere. He would readily admit that some of the time he pitied them. The rest of the time he just wished they wouldn’t judge him, that he could be honest and open about how he was without having to live in a state of fear or shame.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this Kili identifies as an asexual male.  
> Someone who is asexual is a person who is not interested in or does not desire sexual activity, either within or outside of a relationship. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the willful decision to not act on sexual feelings. Asexuals, while not physically sexual-type folks, are none the less quite capable of loving, affectionate, romantic ties to others.
> 
> And god does that sound analytical. If anyone can give me a description that doesn't sound like some unsympathetic old fart reading from a medical text book I would be greatly appreciative.


	2. To be Different - Demisexuality.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See this as Bilbo's view point. When I have written hobbits I have made them sexual beings, ones that enjoy the pleasures of sex. Now imagine a hobbit who didn't have that urge.

To be Different - DemiSexuality.

 

I understand that I keep myself separated from the people I care about. I understand that this is my choice and if I reached out they would probably be there for me. I am too afraid to do so though. What if they aren't? What if finding out who I truly am behind my mask drives them away? What if they are only including me out of pity? Old times sake?

How do I go about explaining that what I am makes me feel separate from them? The depression, the anxiety or my own sexuality.

How do you explain demisexual to people who haven't gone through that? The years at school where everyone around you seems to be driven by lust hormones and any expression of finding beauty is seen as you fancying someone. I can appreciate beauty, good looks and good form as well as the next person. I can admit such-and-such has nice eyes, or a lovely smile. I can tell so-and-so has a well formed figure, or looks good in a kilt. I don't get that surge in the gut that people seem to talk about. I know what lust is, vaguely. I can get myself off, but it is solely based on physical feelings. I don't picture anyone while pleasuring myself. Sex is a nonentity for me, because, while I am sure there are people who would be skilled enough that I could enjoy it, what would be the point if I don't have the sexual feelings for them. I will never have a one-night stand as I don't look at someone and think 'oh yes, definitely getting a bit of that.' I feel set aside in conversations about boys (or girls) that involve the words lust, hot, sexy etc. I've faked interest for so many years that I can't just suddenly explain to people that I don't actually understand what the hell you are going on about. Yes I know there are others out there the same as I. I know there are people who have no interest in sex at all. Still doesn't stop the self-loathing I sometimes feel. The thoughts that demand why I couldn't have just been normal.

Who will want someone so broken? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who may never desire them sexually? Physically? It is all well and good to say that sex doesn't mean everything, isn't everything in a relationship, but really in this day and age who would willing enter a relationship knowing I might never want that? Might never feel that for them?

God dammit I am lonely. I want to be able to enjoy hugs without having to brace myself for them. I want to wake up some morning with a warm body next to me. Snuggle on the settee and watch a film. A soft kiss with a hand caressing my cheek. Someone who sees me as I am. No damn masks, no walls. I want someone who can do that and still be willing to enter a relationship with me. No pressure to have sex. To be able to enjoy a dance, a hug, a kiss without worrying they will think it is leading further.

Is it wrong that I had thought I had found this? Was it stupid of me to think that a person who knew next to nothing about me could offer this? Was I taken in by the words mutual attraction? Have I been a fool? A naive idiot? I don't want to believe that of them. I really don't. It has been over seven years since I thought I had felt that sort of attachment to someone. The small flame of excitement that this person might get ME. That I might be able to have more than a friendship while being me.

I hate this.

I want to dance in the moonlight. I want to be wrapped in warm arms. I want soft kisses and to be able to laugh about stupid stuff.

God dammit I let myself get attached and I didn't even realise it. I let myself find hope in someone I don't even truly know. I didn't even realise I had let them in. I didn't know I had let myself care.

I hate this. I hate my stupid heart. I thought I was safe. The demisexuality had to be good for something right. If nothing else it should have allowed me to be immune to this teenage angst. This very adult feeling of being alone. Knowing what I want, what I need, is just there, but also so far out of reach. The worst bit is I hate me for this. It isn't anyone else who has made me feel this way. It was all my own doing. I'm not in love, not even close. Possibly in like, and yet I dared let myself hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Demisexuality is a point between a sexual and asexual being. It is a sexual orientation in which someone feels sexual attraction only to people with whom they have an emotional bond. Most demisexuals feel sexual attraction rarely compared to the general population, and some have little to no interest in sexual activity. The emotional bond needed for sexual attraction varies based on the demisexual's personal experiences and is slightly different for everyone. Emotional intimacy is a main component, usually, so some demisexuals find themselves attracted to close friends or romantic partners. Other components may include familiarity with the person and knowledge about them (ex: learning about aspects of their personality). However, forming an emotional bond doesn't guarantee that sexual attraction will happen. It is just a prerequisite for it to occur at all. The length of time required to develop an emotional bond may vary. For some demisexuals, it's after several years of being close friends with someone, and for others, it might be a short but intense experience, such as travelling abroad for a week with them.
> 
> There's a difference between feeling sexually attracted to someone and wanting to have sex with them. Sexual attraction isn't something you can control—either you have sexual feelings for someone or not. You can't force it to happen and you can't force it to go away, so you don't have a choice in the matter. Sexual behavior, on the other hand, is something you can choose to participate in, or not.
> 
> Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction regardless of whether or not they have a close emotional bond with someone. They may have sexual feelings for attractive people on the street, classmates or coworkers they've barely spoken to, or celebrities. However, they may choose to wait to have sex for a variety of reasons: it might not be feasible or appropriate, they want to make sure the person is respectful and kind, it's against their religious beliefs, they only want to have sex in a romantic relationship, etc. The difference is that demisexuals don't start out with these sexual feelings at all.


	3. To be different - Polyamorous Relationships.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Using Ori for this chapter, because out of all of those in The Hobbit he is the only one I can imagine with the mental maturity to deal with this.

Polyamorous relationship

People act as if we are warped. As if we don’t truly love each other. Some think it is only about sex, or that we simply haven’t found The One yet. The truth is I love my partners, I love them equally. Yes we have rules, these are there simply to stop any of us getting hurt.  
Now let me set the record straight. 

My name is Ori Korison. I'm poly, but I only pursue relationships with people whom I have emotional connections with. I do not, ever, do one night stands and get hurt when others use me that way. For me my relationships are not based on sex. Poly for me, and those I'm close to, is based on personal feelings.

It really isn’t that hard to understand.

You still don’t get it do you? You think you do. You think you understand, but you don’t really. You still judge me, even if you don’t mean to. You still view my relationships as less than what you see as normal. 

I will simplify it for you. When I truly didn’t understand what I was getting myself into, back when I was young and naïve. A very good friend told me this. 

“The best way to think about a polyamorous relationship is that you have loved more than once in your life, in different ways. You have had more than one boyfriend/lover/whatever. Now imagine you meet them at the same time. You love them in different ways. That's Poly in a nutshell.”

 

Do you understand now? Just because I love more than one person at a time does not mean I love them with any less passion, or any less than you love somebody.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now here comes the old fart reading from that text book again. 
> 
> Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships involving more than two people, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.


End file.
